Karaoke Conundrum
by lizziecat
Summary: Dumbledore is planning a Hogwarts karaoke night and wants Severus and Hermione to sing a duet together. As you can imagine, Severus is none too pleased. SSHG challenge fic
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a response to a challenge I found a while ago, though I don't remember where. If it's yours, please contact me so I can give you credit.

-It may be HG/SS, HG/RL, HG/LM, or HG/SB

-Both parties must be 18 and over.

-Any and all categories are available to be used and/or abused.

-The following must be mentioned: turtle-print pajamas, hot pink lipstick, "Brownies. Now. No questions," and the use of a wooden spoon as a microphone.

-Somewhere in the story, there must be the key phrase: "I have made a mistake," a man sighs, "involving a student."

Please review and suggest a good song for Hermione and Severus to sing on karaoke night! I can't decide.

Enjoy! And yes, Severusian is a word… in my world at least!

"No, Albus. I refuse. In the name of Salazar Slytherin, I will not agree to this!"

"Come on, Severus. When you were a student, you used to love karaoke night. It's high time we brought it back again. You will be participating, right? You have such a wonderful baritone. We just need…"

Severus groaned and massaged his temples with his fingertips as the excited headmaster prattled on and on. His attention, however, snapped back to Dumbledore when he heard the words "Miss Granger" and "duet" in the same sentence.

"Merlin's balls, Albus! I am not winging a duet with Miss Granger!"

"I don't see the problem with that, Severus. You both have such lovely voices. It would be perfect!"

"How do you know Miss Granger can even sing?"

"A portrait told me. Apparently, she likes to practice in the Gryffindor common room when nobody's around. The Fat Lady couldn't stop gushing praise."

"Be that as it may, Albus. I still have no reason at all to sing, let alone sing with her, at your insane karaoke debacle! Have you asked her about it yet? I'm sure she wouldn't be very keen on sharing the stage with the bat of the dungeons."

"Way ahead of you Severus, as the Americans say. I already asked her."

"You what?!" Severus spluttered. "She agreed?!"

"Yes, she did, as a matter of fact. She was a bit reluctant at first, of course, about singing in front of her peers, but I finally convinced her that it would be perfect. I popped a memory of one of your performances from your student days in my pensieve and let her have a look, and she was very impressed."

With sarcasm dripping off of each syllable, Severus said, "How very flattering. The answer is still no."

Dumbledore shook his head and sighed. This was going to be harder than he thought. Time to bring out the big guns. Dumbledore chuckled to himself at this phrase. He had been watching way to many American muggle movies lately.

"Severus, my dear boy, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this. I would really enjoy a performance from you on karaoke night, but in the end it is ultimately your choice. Just be aware that I have kept that photo of you as a first year cuddling your pet puffskein. You remember, right? You had a collar on him with a tag that said Fluffy and everything. Now, if you decline to perform with Miss Granger, this picture just might unfortunately find its way into Mr. Potter's dormitory. Would you like a Hershey's Kiss? Delicious little American chocolatey things, they are."

For about thirty seconds, Severus was so angry he was at a loss for words as his normally ghostly complexion reddened. The silence did not last long, however.

"You _what_? You dirty, sneaky, conniving old bastard! I was in first year, for Merlin's sake! This is blackmail!"

"Blackmail is such a negative word, Severus. If we must call it something, let's use words like persuasion and a little nudge in the right direction. Now, I suggest you confer with Miss Granger and choose a song. Karaoke night is only three weeks away, you know! I have to practice my song too."

As Severus, still fuming, was getting up, Dumbledore began singing the first few lines from the chorus of "It's Okay to be Gay" by Tomboy. Severus shuddered and ran out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

A large crowd of Gryffindors clustered around the karaoke night poster in the common room, murmuring amongst themselves. Ron elbowed Harry.

"Oy, Harry, you going to sing something?"

"Ron, I'm famous enough without people laughing at my singing voice, or lack thereof!"

Ron chuckled and replied, "Yeah, you singing is probably as likely as Hermione getting up there."

Hermione turned on her heel to face Ron, fixing him with a Severusian glare. Obviously, judging by the look on Ron's face, she was not supposed to hear that, but when one remembers Ron's reputation as a master of subtlety and gentlemanly charm, it really is not that surprising.

"Just so you know, Ronald Weasley, my participation has been personally requested by the Headmaster himself, you pig-headed git!"

With Ron firmly told off, she rushed away to the girls' dormitory. Harry cast a disapproving glance toward his friend.

"Y'know, Ron, if I wasn't your best mate, I would definitely take her side right now. You have about as much skill with females as Grawp, and you aren't half as good looking."

There is only one word in the English language that could describe what Severus was doing in his chambers that evening, and that is sulking. He sat in an overstuffed emerald green armchair before a dying fire and tried in vain to distract himself from impending doom with one of his favorite books. The words kept fading more and more from his concentration as thoughts of his upcoming humiliation boiled in his mind.

Finally, he gave up the charade of reading and tossed the book aside in frustration. Unfortunately, it careened onto his side table, knocking his newly filled glass of firewhiskey over. He swore a blue streak, lamenting the lost alcohol even though, considering the fact that he had already downed five others in the past forty-five minutes, he really did not need it anyways.

"Stupid chit probably can't even carry a tune! Everyone knows that the Fat Lady is such a horrible singer that she thinks anything minutely better than nails on a chalkboard is pure talent! Albus was daft enough to believe her, too. All that girl probably does is prance around singing Spice Girls into a bloody wooden spoon!"

After ranting for another ten minutes or so and another generous shot of firewhiskey, Severus collapsed back into his chair and sighed. Fuzzy thoughts of Hermione and a wooden spoon and a very disturbing mental picture of Albus as the lead singer of Tomboy in the "It's Okay to be Gay" music video lazily circled around in his brain until he fell asleep just to escape from it all.

Severus awoke with a pounding headache, so, consequently, double advanced potions first thing that morning was even more unpleasant than usual, and, for the Gryffindors, that was saying something. It was a good thing Nevile was professor Sprout's assistant during the first class of the day, otherwise the poor boy would likely have had his seventh complete mental breakdown of his Howgwarts career. The only Hufflepuff in the class, however, came very close to having his first.

Hermione patted Ernie's shoulder comfortingly as they were packing up their ingredients and quietly advised him to stop by the Hospital Wing for a calming draught after class. She jumped as Severus addressed her.

"Miss Granger, if you would stay after class, I have a matter I need to discuss with you."

Ernie flashed Hermione a wince and a pitying look before rusing as fast as he could out of the door. Harry shot her a quizzical glance, but she mouthed "I'll tell you later." He shrugged and left.

Hermione cautiously walked up to Severus' desk, but before she could even get a word out, he spoke.

"We need to talk about how to avoid this ridiculous karaoke business."


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Hey, here's a short chapter just to let you guys know I haven't forgotten about ya! Might be a while before the next one because I am currently grappling with gifted Algebra II right now and it's a very bloody process. I promise, the pace will pick up in chapter three, though. AND I STILL NEED A SONG FOR THEM!!!! SUGGEST!! SUGGEST!!! Oh, ffnet seemed not to recognize my pretty line-break thingies last chapter, so I'll try something different and cross your fingers!

"Miss Granger, even if you can indeed sing, which I doubt, I still refuse to participate in this freak show."

Hearing the scorn and doubt in his voice, Hermione lost her cool. She realized she was no Madonna, but she could sing rather well. She sang at weddings and other events to earn a little extra pocket money at home, and no one had ever complained.

"You know what, Professor Snape? I happen to be nervous as hell about having to sing in front of all my friends and teachers, but I know I can sing, and I don't appreciate at all your implication that I can't. I want to do this about as much as you do. Do you think that you were the only one manipulated by Professor Dumbledore?"

Severus sneered and declared, "Fine, then. IF you can sing, you may prove it by singing me something tonight in detention after dinner. Good morning."

With that dismissal, he turned away and began straightening various jars of ingredients, providing a clear signal that he was finished with the conversation. Hermione stormed out, fuming. She knew that the only reason he had called it a detention rather than a, say, pre-performance meeting was just to spite her and besmirch her nearly spotless academic career.

"Stupid, pompous, self-centered, arrogant, intolerable, insufferable, idiotic, self-absorbed prick!"

This began as a mutter and ended as a shout, causing the four or five other people in the hallway to turn and gawk. Of all people, why was Hermione Granger swearing in the hallway? Hermione, however, ignored them and fumed all the way to Gryffindor tower, where the Fat Lady looked at her with a mixture of disapproval and pity.

"Everything okay, dearie? You look rather hot under the collar."

The patronizing concern made Hermione bristle.

"Porcupine," she spat, and the portrait shook her head as she swung open to let her through.

"Nosy old bat. Why do the portraits have to be so nosy?

Hermione was in such a foul temper that she could find fault in and snap at anything. Naturally, her best friends, having learned through painful past experiences, recognized this immediately and gave her her space. She would come to them when she was ready, and to interfere a moment too soon was a guarantee of having one's head bitten off.

"So this is why they put her in Gryffindor," Ron muttered, making sure this time that Hermione was out of earshot. "She's like a bloody feral cat!"

"She is a bit touchy right now, said Harry (making a gross understatement). "Probably just stress. I know I'd be panicking if I had to do what she does."

"Has to do what?" Ron looked perplexed.

"Karaoke, you dolt!" Harry jokingly smacked his friend upon the head. "Honestly, you can be really thick sometimes."

Severus growled as he saw the green flash that preceded Dumbledore stepping out of his fireplace munching on a Twizzler.

"Severus, my boy, these Americans are confectionary geniuses! Oh, I came here to advise you to stay away from the Ogden's tonight as you have to teach tomorrow. I heard that this morning's advanced potions did not go quite so well. I had to console poor Mr. MacMillan myself."

"Well, Albus, I have a very simple, easy, and painless solution to propose to you, and that is canceling this ridiculous debacle altogether!"

This sentence ended in a roar that would make most of the world's population hyperventilate and hide under a table. Dumbledore, however, continued to nibble on his candy unfazed with a maddeningly serene smile.

"Severus, I don't get to appreciate your sparkling sense of humor often enough. It always adds a sparkle to my day."

On that note, he left. The green flash had hardly faded when Severus dashed over to his whiskey cabinet, grumbling.

"IF that senile old bastard thinks he can bloody blackmail me and then have the nerve to tell me I can't have a bloody drink, then he has another thing coming!"

He defiantly took a swig from the nearest bottle of Ogden's, spluttered, and bellowed in rage. The old man had done it again. There was no firewhiskey in any of the bottles. It was replaced by tropical punch Kool-Aid!

AN: Guess what I was drinking when I finished this? Review, my gorgeous fanbabies, review! And suggest songs!!!


	3. Chapter 3

AN: The song Hermione sings is "Dans et Sur Mes Bras" by Yannick Noah. The date this song came out might not correspond with the Harry Potter timeline, but I don't care! And to all you perverts out there, bras means arms in French. Also, getting desperate on the line break front, so now going to try something really out there. AND lastly, I've decided to use "Way Back Into Love" as the duet song, suggested by one of my lovely reviewers, Artemis Chick. Thankies!!

Linebreaklinebreaklinebreak

Upon reflection, Severus had to admit that the Headmaster's trickery did have one good consequence. He would be 100 sober for Miss Granger's detention, which meant that his scathing tongue could cut unimpaired. Deep inside, he knew it wasn't really fair to take out his anger on her, but hey, he was a bastard—it's what he did.

After that little issue with his conscience was resolved (in about 2.5 seconds), he settled back into his overstuffed armchair to await the opportunity to sample Hermione Granger's singing voice, or what there was of it.

Linebreaklinebreaklinebreak

Hermione stopped by the Great Hall, grabbed a chicken leg and roll in a napkin, and headed back to her dorm. She did not have time to loaf about with her peers when she had an hour and a half to get ready to impress Snape. She sprawled out on her bed and pulled the curtains shut, seeking maximum concentration. What was a song that she knew basically by heart and could best show off her voice?

She sat up like a lightning bolt as it hit her. Last summer, Hermione's French friend had given her a CD of a French singer called Yannick Noah, and, in a rare romantic mood, she had fallen in love with the song "Dans et Sur Mes Bras". Her mother had been teaching her how to speak French since she was little, so she was able to fall in love with the lyrics as well as the melody.

She used her wand to conjure up the music and sang through the song four or five times until she happened to glance at her watch. She only had 15 minutes until her "detention"! She allowed a momentary spasm of disgust towards that word and the person who used it, and then she got ready.

Linebreaklinebreaklinebreak

Severus absently flipped through a potions journal and glanced up at the clock every few minutes. This was not because he anticipated her arrival. Instead, he wanted her to be late. That would make his day.

Regretfully, there was a knock on the door with two minutes to spare.

"Enter."

Severus didn't glance up from his journal for a minute or so, making Hermione stand there uncomfortably, shifting her feet. Finally, she got fed up, realizing he was just trying to make her squirm. She gathered up some courage and performed a feat so daring that few Hogwarts students would even entertain the notion of attempting it, but what else could he do to her? She walked up to the disdainful professor and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, _sir_," she quipped sarcastically, "I don't think you've noticed yet, but I am actually in the room. If you would like to acknowledge me, that would be lovely, but if you would rather read, I have countless numbers of better things to do than stare at the back of your head!"

Severus ever so slowly turned to face her, lifting one eyebrow in disdain.

"Miss Granger, I _assure_ you that I would much rather read about new innovations in burn-healing paste than listen to you warble, but I have no choice."

Hermione's academic brain immediately took over, causing the insult to fly right by her.

"Do you mean Alexander Mugwort's proposal to brew burn paste in a sub-freezing environment adding an anti-freezing agent to prevent ice crystals while still increasing the potency?"

"As a matter of fact, yes, Miss Granger. Where did you hear about it? Never mind. I did not summon you to discuss this. Do your little tune and then leave."

Little did Severus know, Hermione had that very same potions journal owled to her. Did he think that he was the only one enlightened enough to read it? Hermione fought to keep her anger under control.

"Do you speak French, Professor?"

Severus had this strange and rather alarming urge to say "Duh!" He quashed this immediately. Must be Albus' stupid American fixation catching. He shuddered.

"Miss Granger, I can assure you that I have been fluent in French since the age of seven. I can also speak Spanish and Italian, in case you also wanted to know."

Hermione pointedly ignored his sarcasm and exhibited commendable restraint. What she wanted to do was call him an arrogant prick and throw a shoe at him, but instead she remained icily polite.

"Well, Professor, you will then be able to fully appreciate what I'm going to sing."

Without allowing him time for a snarky comeback, she twitched the tip of her wand to start the music and experienced an almost invisible tremor of nerves. She wondered where that came from. Why was she nervous in front of_ him_? She shook the feeling off, took a deep breath, and began.

"Dans ma tête et sur mes bras  
Dans ma vie vous êtes là  
Dans ma tête et sur mes bras  
C'est là que vous êtes  
Vous êtes dans et sur mes bras.

Au parchemin de ma peau  
Gravé à l'encre d'amour  
J'ai pas rafflé le plus beau  
Et ce qui restera toujours.

Dans ma tête et sur mes bras  
Dans ma vie vous êtes là  
Dans ma tête et sur mes bras  
C'est là que vous êtes  
Vous êtes dans et sur mes bras.

Signature indélébile  
Sur le contract de nos jours  
Ma peau deviendra fragile  
Et vous y resterez toujours.

Dans ma tête et sur mes bras  
Dans ma vie vous êtes là  
Dans ma tête et sur mes bras  
C'est là que vous êtes  
Vous êtes dans et sur mes bras.

C'est là que vous êtes  
Vous êtes dans et sur mes bras."

Severus was, to put it mildly, surprised. He had expected some silly little teenybopper song. Instead, he was listening to a musical caress delivered in, in his opinion, the most beautiful, romantic language ever spoken. The melody lured him in, and Hermione's melodic, velvet voice held him, wrapping around him like a lover in silk sheets. He was entranced, staring wide-eyed at the know-it-all from whom he'd never have expected such majesty.

After Hermione was finished, she noticed her professor staring at her almost… longingly? His normally cold raven eyes had softened as they were locked on her. She held his eyes for a minute or two before growing uncomfortable and looking at the floor, a slight blush rising to her cheeks. The second she looked down, though, the spell was broken. His eyes re-froze, and he was back to his usual sarcastic self.

"Adequate, I suppose. You may go."

Hermione stood up and paused, taking a small breath as if she were about to speak. She wanted to ask him about what happened, but she just couldn't find the words. For once in her life, her mind was blank. The feeling scared her, and she hurried out.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I know it's been a while, guys, but I've been mega-busy. I got my first freelance editing job (YAY!) and it's a 500pg novel. I have to finish it by Spring Break, and I can only do 6-8pg per hour. It's taking a while, as you can imagine, but today I was like, "I have to write a new chapter. I owe it to you guys!" And so I did. Sorry I'm out of it; I've had 12hrs of sleep in the last 4 days combined. I'd better shut up then and get on w/ the story before I fall asleep.

PS: Just had to put some slash in. Seamus is probably OOC, but deal. In here, he's a stereotypical gay guy. I was just thinking that normally in HG/SS, Mione usually confides in Ginny. I wanted to make it a little more interesting!! Also, Niclaire, I read your review and kinda agreed with you, so I decided to make it a little more plausible with Dumbledore!

XOXOXOXOX

Hermione was in her favorite thinking position, hanging upside down off of her bed. She'd been thinking that way since she was little. After about 20 minutes of intense contemplation, she came to a conclusion. She couldn't handle this alone.She was in need of an expert on the male psyche. Suddenly, she had a brain flash. Who would be better at that than a gay guy?

XOXOXOXOX

In a corner of the Gryffindor common room somewhat obscured by a large and rather ostentatious statue of a lion, Seamus Finnegan and his boyfriend Dean Thomas sat cuddling and making light conversation about the alarming frequency of fashion faux pas in the halls of Hogwarts these days. They both looked up, startled, when they noticed a large mass of brown hair (which they recognized as Hermione) hurtling down the stairs and heading straight for them. She stopped right in front of them, panting.

"Hey guys. I was just wondering if I could talk to you."

Seamus perked up, but Dean yawned. He had been catching himself nearly nodding off every few minutes for the las hour or so. Seamus had noticed a while ago and squeezed his boyfriend's hand.

"I'm all ears, Hermione, but Dean here needs to turn in."

What began as a goodnight peck between the boys progressed quite rapidly until Hermione cleared her throat. Dean grinned sheepishly and hurried up to his dorm. Seamus patted the seat beside him that Dean had previously occupied. Hermione plopped down and sighed, leaning her head on Seamus' shoulder. The two had become rather close friends last year when Hermione tutored him in arithmancy, and he had been her source for advice ever since.

"I am in the middle of a catastrophe!" Hermione wailed.

Naturally, Seamus was worried. Did she fail an exam? Did that idiotic Weasley boy try anything? Suddenly, a rather alarming thought popped into his head that he had to resolve right away.

"Hermione… You aren't pregnant, are you?"

Hermione shot up, looking scandalized.

"I most certainly am not! Anyway, it clearly states in chapter23 of _Hogwarts, a History _that there are wards preventing unwanted conception."

Seamus sighed in relief, and they both sunk back against the cushions.

"You're the first person I've told," Hermione began, "but not only am I requested… no, blackmailed by Dumbledore to participate in karaoke night, but it's going to be a duet."

Seamus was puzzled. He knew that Hermione would be nervous, but if he were in her place, he would be kind of relieved to have a partner. That way there'd be someone to rehearse with and have your back if you forgot some words or something. He told Hermione as much.

She replied, "Yes, that would be true in most cases, but I have the misfortune to have just about the foulest duet partner ever."

Seamus' mind was reeling, trying to think of who she would be referring to. Weasley? No, Seamus had heard him in the showers. Nice abs, but awful voice. Malfoy? Ewww, he used way too much hair gel, and Seamus had it on good authority that he couldn't sing according to his ex-boyfriend and still good friend Blaise Zabini. Seamus was stumped.

After a dramatic pause, Hermione took a deep breath and uttered, "Professor Snape."

Seamus' jaw dropped. He sat there staring at her for about a minute, trying to get over the shock. Once his brain started working again, he spoke.

"Hermione Jane Granger, you are one lucky bitch!"

Hermione did a double take. This was definitely not the reaction she was expected. Pity and sympathy she could understand, but jealousy?!

"Um, Seamus? Are you forgetting that we are talking about a cold-hearted, arrogant bastard?"

"Come on. He's dishy! Have you seen his eyes? They're bottomless! And his voice… It's like velvet. I only wish his robes were tighter so I could check out his ass! I've had a crush on him for about three years now. You can't tell me that in your deepest heart of hearts, you don't agree with me even a tiny bit."

"Well… Uh… But…" Hermione spluttered. "So he's a little… Well…"

"Tall, dark, 'n handsome?" Seamus cheerfully finished.

Hermione's cheeks were tinged with pink as she nodded.

"Okay, fine. He is rather good looking, but that doesn't mean that makes up for his attitude."

Seamus looked thoughtful, musing, "Have you ever thought that he acts that way for a reason? When people are hurt, they close themselves off. If you're going to have to spend a long time with him, you might want to find a way to break through that shell."

"How would I manage to do that?" Hermione asked, incredulous.

"Try to get him talking about something he's interested in, something he cares about. I remember when I started getting to know Blaise. He was really hostile and insulting. I found out about his love for classic literature, and that's what brought us together. Pity he found out that deep down he isn't really gay… But enough of my rambling. We need to celebrate your big debut! Brownies. Now. No questions. My mum just sent me a box this morning."

With that, Seamus ran to his dorm to fetch the treats. Hermione just sat there feeling numb. She couldn't believe that Seamus wasn't repulsed, let alone the fact that he was giving her tips on… Wait, what was he giving her tips on? It almost sounded like relationship advice. When Seamus returned, she opened her mouth to ask him about it, but she was momentarily thwarted by a large chunk of chewy, chocolaty homemade brownie being shoved in her mouth.

"I said no questions!"

After a few minutes of chocolaty bliss, Hermione was going to try to ask him once again. She was foiled again, however, because just when she got the first word out, a resounding crack sounded. The Headmaster himself stepped out of the fireplace and into the common room.

"Are those brownies I smell, Mister Finnegan?"

"Yes, Professor. Would you like to try one?"

Dumbledore nibble delightedly on the proffered brownie. When he had finished, he grinned and said, "Thank you, Mister Finnegan. That was most excellent. Be sure to pass my complements along to your mother. Now, Miss Granger, I'm safe to assume that Mister Finnegan is aware of our arrangements, correct?"

At Hermione's nod, he continued, saying, "I have just watched a quite enjoyable Muggle movie from across the pond, and I experienced a revelation. The song the main characters in the movie write and sing would be the perfect song for you and Professor Snape to sing for your duet! Here are two sets of lyrics. When you wave your wand over them, the music will play. Would you mind too terribly giving Severus' copy to him? Have a wonderful evening!"

Without awaiting an answer, Dumbledore flooed away, leaving one very deer-in-the-headlights Hermione Granger.


End file.
